Triangulation is a passive aggressive indirect form or direct form of communication where the narcissist carries messages (an altered truth or an outright lie) between the narcissist’s victim/supply and another person or people to recruit an accomplice (flying monkey) to gang up on the narcissist’s victim/supply to further their agenda. Triangulation is also used to elicit jealousy and insecurity in the narcissist’s victims. Remember the “perfect” image, control and unlimited adulation are the most important things to the narcissist. It does not matter who gets hurt.
My ex-husband was good at pitting me against his family and friends and trying to elicit jealousy by encouraging a rivalry with an ex. I actually caught him twice lying to someone on the phone about something I never said or done. I confronted him about it, but it didn’t do any good. He needed the attention. He kept right on lying. He used to say to me, “Shaping the truth to fit my reality.” He, in fact, bragged about it. It’s fair to say he was evil.
Below are examples of manufactured drama I suffered through while engaged and married. All of them are a result of triangulation.
I believe the triangulation actually began while I was engaged to my ex-narc. I was friendly with his mother and sister early in the engagement. At one point, my ex-husband’s mother called me more than her own son. Things seemed to change suddenly without reason, and the friendly calls stopped. It actually made me sad. I remember my ex told me what his father said about my relationship with the other ladies in the family. He said his wife and daughter will have a hard time accepting another woman in the family. I am not sure what prompted that statement….probably will never know.
The anger, resentment or whatever feelings my ex’s mother and sister had carried over into the wedding and beyond (courtesy of the narc). His sister told one of the other bridesmaids (a college buddy) at the wedding, it was too soon for her brother and me to get married. It was mind-boggling.
The Wedding Ring
My ex came home from work and said he is no longer wearing his wedding ring. His car also smelled like perfume. I asked about it, and he said it was a co-worker. I was highly suspicious at one point of his behavior. This is around the time he accused me of cheating….projection is the narcissist’s reflection.
As I mentioned in another blog, my ex would clean out the joint account to hang out with his friends. I was never of importance so I was pretty much left at the house. His friends weren’t too thrilled with me. Everything felt forced and strained. I was either brushed off or his friends made backhanded comments. The backhanded comments happened three times. I wasn’t around enough to be bombarded with sarcasm and passive
aggressiveness. It’s pretty clear that his friends had been lied to and were flying monkeys whether they knew it or not. There is no telling what my ex-narc told them. I remember asking my ex-husband, “Why are your friends more important than me?” He shrugged and replied, “That’s the way it is.” Case closed. I knew the clock was ticking on my marriage at that point.
Someone From The Past
The triangulation continued at counseling. My ex said he was happier with his ex-girlfriend. I imagine this is the same ex he brought up out of the blue, twice. The one who called and told him she was depressed. He even complained that I would not invite his ex to our wedding. I am still scratching my head on that one. Imagine how I felt. I left counseling hurt more than I was walking in.