Splitting up with a narcissist can offer a respite from their ongoing manipulative tactics. However, their narcissistic tendencies do not just vanish. Narcissists use children, transforming them into their subsequent targets, as a means to retaliate against their former partners. Today, we’re delving into the strategies deployed by narcissists and discussing ways to safeguard your kids.
1. Dream Stealer
Have you ever shared a dream or plan with your former partner, like wanting to experience the magical charm of a European vacation? Watch out – a narcissist is pretty skilled at the ‘Dream Stealer’ maneuver. It goes like this: they take your shared dream, say, the Europe trip, and turn it into their reality, only without you. Instead, they’ll whisk the kids and their new partner away on this adventure, making it appear as if it was their original plan all along. Crafty, isn’t it?
But wait, there’s more. This act isn’t just about enjoying the vacation. It’s a sly way to make you feel like you’re missing out like they’re having a grand time while you’re left on the sidelines. If this strikes a chord with you, remember – don’t let it shake you. Instead, use it as a reason to strengthen your bond with your kids.
Communication is key here – let your kids know that you’re there for them, and that you’re genuinely interested in their experiences and tales from the trip. If they sense the sincerity in your words, it will only serve to deepen your connection with them. Keep in mind that this isn’t a competition with your ex. It’s about your relationship with your children, and nothing can or should meddle with that.
2. Unnecessary Generosity
Picture this: Your ex-spouse is suddenly being extra generous with your kids, gifting them all sorts of extravagant presents. You might think, “What’s the big deal? They’re just being nice.” But hold up – with a narcissist, it’s a little more complicated than that.
See, when a narcissist plays Santa, it’s not just about making the kids happy. Nope, they’re crafting a spotlight to shine brightly on themselves, hoping to soak up all the admiration they can. This ‘Unnecessary Generosity’ is a ploy to hook attention and create a feeling of obligation. It’s like saying, “Look at all these amazing gifts I’ve given you. You owe me now.”
As a parent, you’ve got a vital role to play in this scenario. You want your kids to enjoy the presents (why shouldn’t they?), but it’s equally important they understand they’re not under any obligation to the gift-giver. Help them grasp the concept of appreciation – they can be thankful for a gift without feeling indebted to anyone.
Remember, your children should feel loved and valued for who they are, not for how they respond to gifts. Your role is to guide them through these experiences, helping them balance their enjoyment with a sense of personal autonomy and self-respect. So, keep the lines of communication open and embrace every teachable moment.
3. Excessive Discipline
Imagine this rollercoaster: One moment, your ex-spouse, the narcissist, is Mr. or Ms. Generous, showering your kids with lavish gifts. The next, they morph into a strict disciplinarian, cracking down on the smallest of mistakes. This back-and-forth between ‘good cop, bad cop’ doesn’t just keep your kids on their toes, it keeps them in a constant state of uncertainty, which can be really tough on their emotions.
This pattern, known as ‘Excessive Discipline’, is a classic narcissist tactic. But why, you might ask? Simple – it’s another control strategy, used to keep the kids on a tight leash, always guessing, always trying to please.
Now, here’s where you come in. Your role? Providing your kiddos a safe space to vent, talk, and just be themselves. Let them know you’re there to listen, understand, and support them – no judgments, no punishments. Help them make sense of these whirlwind experiences, guide them to respond appropriately and remind them that it’s okay to feel upset or confused.
Through all this, you’re doing more than just helping them navigate choppy waters. You’re also teaching them resilience, empathy, and the importance of open, honest communication. In the face of adversity, these skills are golden. So, keep the conversation flowing and let them know they’ve got a rock-solid ally in you.
4. Projection
Have you ever been in a funhouse and stood before those distorted mirrors? One moment, you’re tall and slim, the next, you’re all short and stubby. That’s exactly how narcissists play with perceptions, especially when kids are involved. A tactic they use frequently is ‘Projection’, where they turn their own flaws and mistakes onto you, all while primping their image.
Here’s how it works: Imagine the narcissist has a quick temper – they’ll spin it around and tell your kids it’s you who loses control. Conversely, any positive qualities they possess are amplified, often at your expense. The goal? To confuse the children, undermine your credibility, and paint themselves as the more likable parent.
Now, how can you counter this? Communication is key. Keep the doors of conversation wide open with your children. Share your experiences, feelings, and thoughts. You don’t have to mud-sling back, just present your truth. Guide them to understand these manipulative techniques without forcing them to take sides.
In doing so, you’re empowering your children with critical thinking skills, and the ability to discern fact from fiction. This doesn’t just help them cope with the current scenario but also equips them to handle manipulative behavior in the future. It’s about striking the balance between educating them and preserving their innocence, a challenge but totally doable!
5. Gaslighting
Ever heard of gaslighting? Picture a scene in a mystery movie, where the villain tricks the hero into questioning their own memory, perception, or sanity. Scary, right? Now, imagine something similar happening in real life, especially to kids. Unfortunately, that’s a strategy narcissists commonly use – ‘Gaslighting’.
Here’s a classic example. Let’s say something happened at a family event. The narcissist, later, denies it ever took place, insisting you’re the one making up stories. This can be super confusing for children, making them question their own recollection of events.
How do you deal with this? Start by encouraging your kids to trust their own experiences and memories. Make it clear that it’s okay to remember things differently. Remind them it’s perfectly fine to stick to their version of the story, even if someone else denies it.
In more challenging cases, consider getting a professional on board. A qualified therapist can provide the tools and techniques to help your kids manage the confusion caused by gaslighting. They can foster self-confidence in your children, making them resilient to such mind games.
Remember, the goal isn’t to win a battle against the narcissist. It’s to raise strong, confident kids who can trust their own judgment and navigate through life’s complexities with grace and courage.
6. Silent Treatment
Have you ever encountered the “silent treatment”? It’s a common move in the narcissist’s playbook. When in the middle of a divorce, they tweak this strategy, expecting you to keep the communication channels open, while they themselves clam up. It’s like playing a game where they set the rules and change them as they please.
What can you do in such a situation? The trick is to teach your children the golden rule of communication – it should be open, honest, and reciprocal. Make them understand that conversations are a two-way street, and it’s okay to expect a response when they communicate.
Also, it’s time for some boundary-setting with the narcissist. Let’s be clear, this isn’t about engaging in a power struggle, but about maintaining your emotional balance. It’s essential to establish rules around when and how communication happens. This may involve limiting discussions to certain topics or agreeing on specific times for conversations.
It’s not always easy, but remember, you’re teaching your kids a valuable life lesson here. They’re learning how to communicate effectively, and most importantly, that their feelings and experiences are valid and deserve to be heard. At the end of the day, isn’t that one of the most important skills they’ll carry into their adult lives?
7. Wrongful Punishment
In an unfortunate twist, narcissists can use the concept of punishment incorrectly, especially when they’re angry with the ex-spouse. Instead of taking a fair approach, they might vent out their frustrations on the innocent party – the kids. Suddenly, a forgotten chore or a slightly messy room becomes a reason for a harsh reprimand. It’s like the kids become a punching bag for the adult’s emotions.
And, believe me, it’s as confusing to the kids as it is heartbreaking. They’re caught in a crossfire, unsure why they’re being penalized for something seemingly trivial or not even their fault.
So, what’s the plan of action here? It’s simple: Let your children know that it’s not their fault. They need to understand that they’re not responsible for the narcissist’s behavior or the unjust punishments.
Your role as a parent is to provide a cushion of love and security for your children in these tough times. Create a comfortable atmosphere where they feel loved and protected, irrespective of the turmoil outside this safe bubble.
Remind them, through words and actions, that they’re cherished. Let them understand that it’s okay to make mistakes and that there will always be a chance to learn and grow. That’s the essence of childhood, isn’t it?
And remember their emotional health matters. If you see signs of stress or distress in your kids, don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional. After all, you’re doing your best, and it’s okay to ask for help.
CONCLUSION
That’s a wrap, folks! We’ve trudged through the murkier waters of divorcing a narcissist, particularly when kids are involved. It’s by no means an easy task, but by acknowledging these tactics, we can shield our children from the impact. Always keep communication open and help them understand what they’re dealing with—it’s our armor in this battle.
A professional therapist can be your guiding star, providing the necessary tools to sail through these tumultuous times. They can support you and your kids in ways that friends and family may not be able to. Don’t shy away from leaning on their expertise.
You’ve got this. It’s a steep climb, no doubt, but every day you’ll find yourself a bit stronger, a bit wiser. Remember, it’s okay to stumble and fall; what matters is that we get up, dust ourselves off, and keep going. And hey, in this struggle, know that you’re never alone. There’s a community out there, walking the same path, ready to lend a hand or a listening ear. Stay hopeful, stay resilient!
