People often wonder about my happy demeanor and positive attitude after enduring almost five years in an abusive marriage and another 7 years of continued financial abuse post-divorce. My answer…I had to dig deep and my conscience is clear.
The abuse I suffered in my marriage was certainly debilitating. It was a high stress and highly depressing situation. I even suffered from mild depression while married to my abuser. He, of course, saw that as a weakness and a reminder of how horrible of a person he really was and is. I certainly had to put in the work. The details are here.
My conscience is clear because I am not a nasty person nor have I purposely set out to cause someone pain. As a wife, I bent over backwards for my narcissistic ex-husband. I was a “just because” kind of spouse. I used to send him flowers, give him greeting cards on a fly and randomly buy him a gift just to let him know I was thinking about him. I treated him very well. Unfortunately, my kindness was mistaken for weakness and was used against me.
When things started to go south, I was more than willing to go to counseling to get us back on track. It didn’t work out because he was unwilling to do his part. He chose to try to manipulate the counselors, and he failed. The truth always comes out.
The truth is, the problem was not me. The problem was him. He was a selfish, self-entitled, manipulative person….a covert narcissist. He lied constantly. His mantra was, “shaping the truth to fit my reality”. Everything about our life together was false, including his “love” for me. That was the hardest thing to stomach.
Bottomline, I have no regrets. I put my heart and soul into my marriage. He chose not to do his part so we did not need to be together. My ex-narc will more than likely spend the rest of his life telling lies to hide his lies and looking over his shoulder worried about the truth getting out. Smoke and mirrors for everyone. There is no comfort. That is a narcissist’s karma.
I say to whoever is reading this blog and dealing with or recovering from abuse, you do not have anything to be ashamed of. The shame belongs to your abuser. The problem was never you, it is/was the abuser.