Reflection

Did He Really Love Me?

I don’t think he ever loved me nor do I think he was truthful the entire marriage. I think he married me as part of a personal quota since he treated me more like property than a spouse. It seemed as if he had me around to serve his needs only. As far as his truthfulness, how did I know that he was lying or not being truthful? He was breathing. Again his favorite saying was, “Shaping the truth to fit your reality”.

Sorry, Not Sorry

Sorry?  Heck no! I don’t think this was his first rodeo.  I believe he has other victims out there. I say that because he mentioned his ex-girlfriend called him while we were married. She told him she was depressed (side effect of abuse?), and he hung up on her. He randomly mentioned the call as we were walking into the garage to go out (triangulation attempt).  I also have to refer to his phone call about his current wife. He threw a bottled water in the middle of a argument (intimidation tactics).  I don’t know if the bottled water was actually thrown at his wife, but it sounds like his intimation tactics have escalated somewhat. He seemed a little bit more angry, and his actions more repetitive from what he described when he called.  The triangulation (even though he didn’t recognize it as that)….his current feeling like he is cheating on her. Same thing, different supply.

Any Red Flags?

Absolutely.  There was a situation that happened right after we returned from the honeymoon. It caused me to pause. It was a serious WTF moment and was the beginning of my ex narcs irrational behavior.

I had fallen asleep without putting my rings back on after washing dishes. He was working late that night and would not be home until after 2 am. Around 2:30 am or so, I was awaken by him shaking me. He asked me, “Where are your rings and why don’t you have them on?” He was loud and unhappy. I shook my head and grabbed my rings. I put them back on since I had no intentions of arguing at 2:30 AM.

Was He Supportive?

Not really. My goals and achievements were met with push back and self pity.  My wins did not do too much for his ego.

While in grad school and training, he told me he felt like those things were taking me away from him. Mind you, I was in grad school when he met me. The training started three years later. I tried to explain that when I better me, I better us. He didn’t buy it. After I earned my MBA, he said he was the least educated person in the family. He couldn’t even be happy for me.

What is the Cruelest Thing He Ever Said?

Most of what came out of his mouth was pretty nasty.  I have to say the two cruelest things he said to me cut me like a knife. The first is when he said he was happier with his ex-girlfriend while at counseling. The other cruel thing was when he told me not to look at him because I creep him out.

What Kept Me There?

I was ashamed. I let my pride get in the way. I didn’t want to get blamed for anything by my mom.  Remember, I mentioned my childhood?  I grew up with a narcissistic mother. I was the scapegoat and my brother was the golden child. She blamed me for everything. I just didn’t want to hear it again.  That’s why I didn’t tell my parents why I wanted to stay the night at their house and why I locked the door to my old bedroom while I was there.

Could I Have Done Anything Differently?

No. I asked my ex-narc while we were married, “What am I doing wrong?” “What can I improve on?” He said, “Nothing…you are not doing anything wrong.”  Interesting, isn’t it?  I did all that I could.  I was fully present in marriage and loved him all that I could.

How Did the World See Me?

My doctors saw it.  Maybe my behavior was that of an abused women. I don’t know.  My cardiologist asked me if my husband made me nervous. She said my blood pressure was high when he was with me at my last appointment and now it is normal. My internal medicine doctor made a comment  at an appointment to see why I was having stomach issues.  He said he health problems too until he divorced his wife.  Gynecologist looked at me and told me I was stressed out.  I had not discussed anything about my marriage with any of the doctors.  What was I projecting?

Do I Miss My Ex or Wonder What He Is Doing?

Not a chance.  He did not/ does not bring anything to my life.  I didn’t lose anything.

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