Reflection

Did He Really Love Me?

I don’t think he ever loved me nor do I think he was truthful the entire marriage. I think he married me as part of a personal quota since he treated me more like property than a spouse. It seemed as if he had me around to serve his needs only. As far as his truthfulness, how did I know that he was lying or not being truthful? He was breathing. Again his favorite saying was, “Shaping the truth to fit your reality”.

Sorry, Not Sorry

Sorry?  Heck no! I don’t think this was his first rodeo.  I believe he has other victims out there. I say that because he mentioned his ex-girlfriend called him while we were married. She told him she was depressed (side effect of abuse?), and he hung up on her. He randomly mentioned the call as we were walking into the garage to go out (triangulation attempt).  I also have to refer to his phone call about his current wife. He threw a bottled water in the middle of an argument (intimidation tactics).  I don’t know if the bottled water was actually thrown at his wife, but it sounds like his intimation tactics have escalated somewhat.  Same thing, different supply.

Did He Cheat?

Highly likely.  The loud perfume in his car comes to mind.  Also, there was a lady who came after me on social media after the divorce for no reason at all.  I did not know her.  We never crossed paths, but I can tie her to my ex.  She sent me a direct message on FB and told me I looked like a man in my bikini.  I replied, reported and blocked her.

Any Red Flags?

Absolutely.  There was a situation that happened right after we returned from the honeymoon. It caused me to pause. It was a serious WTF moment and was the beginning of my ex-narc’s irrational behavior.

I had fallen asleep without putting my rings back on after washing dishes. He was working late that night and would not be home until after 2 am. Around 2:30 am or so, I was awakened by him shaking me. He asked me, “Where are your rings and why don’t you have them on?” He was loud and unhappy. I shook my head and grabbed my rings. I put them back on since I had no intentions of arguing at 2:30 AM.

Was He Supportive?

Not really. My goals and achievements were met with pushback and self-pity.  My wins did not do too much for his ego.

While in grad school and training, he told me he felt like those things were taking me away from him. Mind you, I was in grad school when he met me. The training started three years later. I tried to explain that when I better me, I better us. He didn’t buy it. After I earned my MBA, he said he was the least educated person in the family. He couldn’t even be happy for me.  His non-supportive attitude continued.

Shortly after earning my MBA, I started looking for a new job. I was committed to my job search and had high hopes of landing a position with better pay, better benefits and more job security. All good things, right?  Not to the narc! He would regularly offer discouraging words such as, “You shouldn’t expect to find another job just because you have an MBA.” He even told me…”You are not going to make more money just because you have your masters.” Again, achievements were met with pushback. Any achievement, self-improvement or sign of independence was a threat to his ego and his need to control.

What is the Most Ridiculous Thing He Ever Said?

There are so many things to choose from.  All are face-palm worthy.

  • He asked me to continue paying his car insurance after he left.
  • He said I could keep the fitness equipment purchased in the marriage, but I would have to buy him new equipment.
  • He said I loved the house more than him.
  • He said I was abusing him.  That was after he tried to physically intimidate me.
  • He said I was not being supportive.
  • He told me to get out of his house while I was actively trying to purchase it after the divorce.  After I moved out, he said I was trying to send the house into foreclosure.
  • He said he would always love me after the divorce.
  • He said he wanted to remain friends after the divorce.
  • He accused me of cheating.
  • He said he didn’t realize he was cleaning out of the joint account designated for household expenses.
  • He didn’t realize he had to pay back the $10K he borrowed from my parents.  That excuse didn’t work so he tried, “I didn’t know I had to pay it back all at once.”
  • He said we had bills to pay for with my car accident settlement after I paid my parents back the rest of the 10K loan (the narc borrowed it from them) with part of my settlement.  The irony in this statement and his other financial misdeeds (The Mask Comes Off – Financial Abuse), he began advising others on their finances.

What is the Cruelest Thing He Ever Said?

Most of what came out of his mouth was pretty nasty.  I have to say the two cruelest things he said to me cut me like a knife. The first is when he said he was happier with his ex-girlfriend while at counseling. The other cruel thing was when he told me not to look at him because I creep him out.

What Kept Me There?

I was ashamed. I let my pride get in the way. I didn’t want to get blamed for anything by my mom.  Remember, I mentioned my childhood?  I grew up with a narcissistic mother. I was the scapegoat and my brother was the golden child. She blamed me for everything. I just didn’t want to hear it again.  That’s why I didn’t tell my parents why I wanted to stay the night at their house and why I locked the door to my old bedroom while I was there.

Could I Have Done Anything Differently?

No. I asked my ex-narc while we were married, “What am I doing wrong?” “What can I improve on?” He said, “Nothing…you are not doing anything wrong.”  Interesting, isn’t it?  I did all that I could.  I was fully present in marriage and loved him all that I could.

How Did the World See Me?

My doctors saw it.  Maybe my behavior was that of an abused woman. I don’t know.  My cardiologist asked me if my husband made me nervous. She said my blood pressure was high when he was with me at my last appointment and now it is normal. My internal medicine doctor made a comment at an appointment to see why I was having stomach issues.  He said he health problems too until he divorced his wife.  Gynecologist looked at me and told me I was stressed out.  I had not discussed anything about my marriage with any of the doctors.  What was I projecting?

Do I Miss My Ex or Wonder What He Is Doing?

Not a chance.  He did not/ does not bring anything to my life.  I didn’t lose anything.  Not my clown, not my circus.

Do I Care If My Ex-Abuser See or Reads this Blog?

Not one bit.  This blog was not written for him.  It was written for all abuse victims and survivors of the past, present, and future.  It was written to inform.  It was written to encourage and hopefully inspire others to find their strength or to just be a light to someone that is involved in or recovering from an abusive relationship.

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