The Mask Comes Off – Last Ditch Effort

My ex-narc knew he was losing control of me.  As mentioned in In Defense of Me – Fighting Back, I began standing up for myself and swatting down every lie out of his mouth.  He realized the clock was ticking on his toxic drama, and his web of deceit was unraveling.  He had 2 more cards to play.

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Procreation

Yep, he wanted a child.  Narcs will try this to tie down their supply. I reluctantly decided to go along with this bad idea after he made it clear he would leave if I did not. We tried for about a year before seeking help.  I was poked and prodded to see why I had not conceived.  The last doctor told me it was stress.  I must have been wearing my emotional battle scars like I wore my clothes.  It was very perceptive of her.  At any rate, I lucked out and did not get pregnant by my ex-narc.  The universe was looking out for me when I was not looking out for myself.

Counseling

My ex-husband and I tried counseling to save our marriage.  I was the only one fully present ready to fix things.  My ex was not.  His way was the only solution…so begins the work of the master manipulator on the counselors.  Yes, I said counselors…plural.  We saw 3.  The first one was early on in the marriage, but the last two were near the end of the marriage. Anytime things were not going my ex-narc’s way or the counselor was not in total agreement with him, he was ready to throw in the towel.

The first counselor spoke to my ex-husband first. It was evident in the first few sessions that my ex-husband had called ahead to “prep” the counselor.   I finally told the counselor I felt like he was focusing on me, and the sessions seemed to be one-sided.  He agreed. I then asked for a separate counseling session to address any personal issues I had.  My ex- narc spoke up and decided to have a few one on one sessions with the counselor himself.

I had my one and only private session with the counselor. He made a statement that caught my attention during that one session.  He told me my ex-husband acts like his crap didn’t stink.  I am not sure what brought about this revelation or what lies were told by my ex, but the counselor was on to him. The narc was done with the counselor after that.  By the way, my ex-husband walked out at the end of each session leaving me to pay the bill. No discussion, no nothing…see ya, bye!  On to the next counselor…..

We tried a minister at our church. We only attended one session, but that one session was very enlightening. My ex told me on the way to the session that he had called the minister ahead of time to let him know that he does not want to talk about the past. I was baffled, especially since those same issues from the past are also in the present. How do you resolve issues without talking about them?

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The minister followed the directions he received from my ex-husband. He stopped me mid-sentence when I started talking about marital issues. He told me I could not talk about the past. He then said I needed to have the house ready to entertain my ex-husband and his friends. What? Where did that come from?

I didn’t know his friends visiting was an issue so I explained  to the minister that my ex-husband’s friends rarely come over. I told him how disrespectful one of the guys was when meeting me and staying at the house. I also mentioned another incident at a birthday party where another one of his friends made a backhanded comment.  Both incidents completely unprovoked, and they were never told not to come to house.  As a matter of fact, one of those same friends spent a few nights at my home while he was in town after the incidents. The minister seemed shocked and maybe just maybe he realized that my ex-husband told some half-truths. The minister then told my ex-husband, “If your friends can’t be friends with your wife then those are not your friends.” Well, I think that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. My ex-husband was done with counseling at that point. I believe this is when he decided to make a run for it.

 

4 thoughts on “The Mask Comes Off – Last Ditch Effort

  1. Aha! Yes – my first N husband agitated for “marriage counseling” – with the vague reason of “we fight too much. He would not be more specific. When we got there all hell broke loose. Sessions were focused on ME – my dead brother and dead mother…??? An I was “mentally ill.” (What happened to “we fight too much?”) Yes, the phone records showed he had private exclusive conversations with the counselor and even had her picked out before I ever agreed to go. I’m sure he groomed her. I insisted he see a private shrink because of the lies he got caught in. One evening the shrink phoned me and it became obvious my husband was grooming this one, too. Next WE randomly picked another marriage counselor and had one visit. When hubby realized the playing field would be level without games or manipulation, he cancelled the sessions – then lied and told me it was the counselor who canceled us (again, phone records made this easily clear.) Later we ended up seeing a counselor I had seen twice and when hubby was asked the first question (caught in another lie/betrayal) he wasled out claiming he wanted a divorce. The counselor called me later that eve and told me “I think your husband has been playing an elaborate game…unless he has total control of the ‘counselor’ and what’s discussed, he does NOT want marriage counseling.” Counseling was being used as another weapon to bully and control me. He did not want real, legitimate marriage counseling.

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  2. I’m always amazed at the gullibility and naivete of “marriage counselors” and other counselors. The can be so played, and in the end do no good. My understanding was that in marriage counseling the professional must take great care to give equal time, to avoid the appearance of exclusivity or partiality and thatbmeans no phone, email or personal private sessions with one of the two parties. This enhances trust between clients and the counselor. It seems this is rarely done, however.

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  3. Pingback: My Conscience is Clear by Angie Beavers, CSMC | UNMASKING THE NARCISSIST

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